Your partner went through your phone! Yikes! It’s normal to feel violated, confused, sad, and angry. For some of us, finding out this has happened may be an automatic deal breaker. For others, this may not necessarily be a deal breaker, especially if we have established trust in our partner’s intentions and are able to get curious about why they did this.
If you want to have a conversation with your partner about why this happened, here are some pointers.
1) Approach your partner with curiosity and care. It can be tempting to lead with blame and criticism - after all, your partner has violated your privacy. However, this tone is likely to put your partner on the defensive, and you won’t get the information you’re looking for about why this happened.
2) Ask questions about what led up to this and what you need to know to move forward. Some examples include: Can you tell me what has been happening for you that led up to this? What were you looking for or afraid that you might see? Which parts of my phone did you go through? Is there something I need to work on so you feel like you can trust me more?
3) Validate your partner’s experience while holding space for your own. “I hear you, I have been distant lately. I can see how that might make you concerned. But I also feel hurt that you didn’t come talk to me about this.” “I understand why you felt like you couldn’t talk to me about this. That’s something I would like us to work on. This has made me feel violated and I do not want it to happen again.”
4) Share with your partner that next time they are feeling insecure, they should have a conversation with you rather than searching on your phone for answers. I would recommend asking your partner what was getting in the way of them talking to you about this. It is important to be open to hearing that they may have been afraid of your response or may not feel capable of trusting you.
5) Tell your partner how this has impacted you. I would recommend asking your partner what was getting in the way of them talking to you about this. It is important to be open to hearing that they may have been afraid of your response or may not feel capable of trusting you.
Your partner going through your phone does not necessarily have to mean the end of the relationship -- in fact, an event like this can be a beautiful opportunity to have a conversation about how to form a deeper sense of trust.
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