Some relationships struggle due to discrepancies in proactivity between partners.
In a recent blog post, I talked about how a proactivity gap occurs when one partner takes on more proactive responsibility than the other in most scenarios, most of the time. I described that a more proactive partner might be the one to take the initiative on managing a household budget, bringing up conversations about unresolved conflicts, thinking ahead about meal planning, and even finding a couples therapist.
I discussed how, over time, a gap in proactivity in a relationship can lead to diminished trust, decreased intimacy, and, potentially, a relationship dynamic that looks more like parenting and less like a partnership.
Today, I wanted to explore what can be done about a proactivity gap in a relationship. A nuanced issue such as this one necessitates a detailed, multi-layered approach. A blueprint for understanding and starting to change a proactivity gap within a couple's relationship might involve these three steps: 1) understanding how the discrepancy came to be, 2) addressing what is causing the dynamic to sustain, and 3) practicing new ways of being.
1) Understanding how the discrepancy came to be and the impact it is having: To begin, with any problem in a couple's relationship, it helps to get to the root of what each partner is bringing to the table and to trace the history of how the dynamic originated. In this particular scenario, it is likely going to be helpful to ask and answer questions like:
Why do I take (or not take) initiative on certain areas of responsibility within my relationship?
Which areas of relationship responsibility come naturally to me? Which areas feel totally outside of my wheelhouse?
In my family, who did I see take initiative in areas like having hard conversations, managing finances, or maintaining social connections?
How is it impacting me that I am taking on more responsibility, more of the time? or How is it impacting my partner that they are taking on more responsibility, more of the time?
2) Addressing what is causing the dynamic to sustain and developing an awareness of what would need to happen for the dynamic to change: Next, it helps to look at how the dynamic has continued to sustain and to discuss what might happen if things were to change.
How do I benefit from my partner taking on more responsibility? or (for the more proactive partner) How do I benefit from being the one who takes on more responsibility?
If things were to change, and the proactivity gap were to shrink, would our relationship feel different at all? Would it change for the better? For the worse?
3) Practicing new ways of being: Finally, in order to address a gap in proactivity, couples will need to put into practice a new way of being.
What would it take for the dynamic to change? What would need to be different?
In my ideal scenario, what kinds of proactive responsibility would I take on?
In my ideal scenario, what kinds of proactive responsibility would I count on my partner to handle?
How will I need to restructure my life to be more proactive in the areas I am responsible for? or How will I let go of some of the responsibility I have now, trusting my partner will take it on my behalf?
What are the barriers to my taking on proactive responsibility? How can I address these barriers?
How will I communicate with my partner if I feel the proactivity gap persisting? How will we approach this conversation in a new way?
Addressing a proactivity gap in a relationship may be self-directed work for couples. Or, couples may need to consult a therapist or coach to work with them on following these three steps - understanding how the discrepancy came to be, addressing what is causing the dynamic to sustain, and practicing new ways of being.
Most importantly, in order for this type of change to be successful, there must be mutual recognition of the problem and a unified desire to alter potentially deeply entrenched patterns. If you and your partner are in need of someone to facilitate this process, reach out via the Contact page on my website, and we'll begin the process together.
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