The fallout of realizing an affair can be like experiencing a natural disaster. When I work with clients who have come to me just after an affair has surfaced, this is what I tell them: It is normal to feel like your entire world is upside down. It is normal to feel like everything that used to be important needs to be put on pause. It is normal to think "all I can do right now is survive today." It is like living through an emotional natural disaster.
In a relationship where an affair has surfaced, the foundation of safety that previously existed is compromised, like when an earthquake rocks the foundation of a city. In a relationship where an affair has surfaced, even after a couple has started to reckon with the fallout and rebuild, aftershocks (new details emerging, having to have hard conversations with kids or friends) can occur, like the aftershocks of an earthquake.
The experience of realizing an affair, especially for a partner who was cheated on, means adjusting to a new reality. The initial phase of this process is so destabilizing that people may need to cancel plans, take time off of work, or even attend therapy multiple times a week to get through it. Again, the fallout mimics that of a natural disaster - everything is put on pause, and the objective is to survive.
I find it important to normalize the severity of this experience and to let people know they are not alone in feeling things so intensely. In the wake of this type of realization, it can feel like all is lost, like things will never get better, like a sense of normalcy will never be re-established. But as with a natural disaster, with the realization of an affair, it is possible to rebuild.
In some cases, over the long term, rebuilding might look like:
Unpacking the events leading up to the affair
De-constructing the 'why' behind the affair happening
Working with the partner who was cheated on to explore how their trust might be re-established, slowly and over time
Developing a working model to avoid a similar situation, through the improvement of open communication and prioritization of clarity around relational boundaries
Pursuing couples therapy to get insight from a professional on underlying issues in the relationship
In other cases, where the relationship is "irretrievably broken" (to quote a recent explanation of divorce from Joe Jonas & Sophie Turner), individual partners may rebuild in ways such as:
Working to accept the end of the relationship & move on
Unpacking the circumstances that led to the affair happening
Pursuing individual therapy to process the trauma of the event and to establish a new sense of personal safety in relationships
Over time, as is true with any other emergency, the pain of the initial impact can, and will, lessen. In the end, there will be opportunities to rebuild in ways that establish either a sense of safety in the relationship or a sense of safety outside of the relationship, with a new beginning.
Until then, it is normal to feel completely unmoored.
Accordingly, those experiencing the trauma of the realization of an affair must find ways, moment by moment, to survive, until the intensity lessens and healing becomes possible.
Comments