Recently, I have been advising new couples in therapy to get comfortable with the idea that their relationship could end one day. This sounds very counterintuitive… why would I spend time thinking about my relationship ending, when it’s so new, and I’m so happy in it?
The reason why has to do with stakes in times of conflict.
When conflict inevitably arises in a couple’s relationship, the distance that is natural in an argument may feel HIGH stakes if the members of that couple have not visualized themselves being okay, even if the relationship ends. Conversely, when the members of the couple have familiarized themselves with the reality that the relationship may end one day, a routine disagreement may have LOW stakes, because the visual of being okay even if the relationship ends is present.
This is important because the stakes of an argument can drastically change the way partners engage with one another. If one or both partners start to feel that they may not be oaky, because the relationship may end, and they haven’t prepared for that, it’s natural to act more desperate, irrational, or scared. If both partners know they will be okay, even if the relationship ends, they will be able to approach the argument in a more level-headed manner, because they won’t be acting out of fear.
I love this idea because it’s pretty practical to implement. Here’s what you have to do:
Imagine that the worst-case scenario occurs and you aren’t able to work through a relationship-ending conflict with your partner. Visualize how you will feel (sad, lost, angry, disappointed, etc.). Sit with the emotion. Then, think about what you would do in this hypothetical scenario.
Answer the following questions… How would you move on from the relationship? Who would you call on for help? How would you handle the logistics? What steps would need to be taken? How would you find new meaning and purpose without your partner? Keep going through this fictional scenario until the heightened emotions lessen and you begin to feel that even if this happens, things will ultimately be okay.
Take note of how this changes the stakes the next time you have an argument with your partner. You can be committed to them, and hopeful that you are able to work things out, while also knowing that if things aren’t able to be worked out, you will always be okay. This will allow you to approach routine conflicts with more of a sense of peace and level-headedness.
Comentarios