Recently, I have seen several relationships end due to discrepancies in proactivity.
In these dynamics, one partner takes on more proactive responsibility than the other in most scenarios, most of the time. Over the course of a relationship, this type of dynamic leads the more proactive partner to become resentful. In severe cases, the more proactive partner may end up leaving the relationship because they feel weighed down by this discrepancy.
From my vantage point as a couples therapist, I can pick up on a proactivity gap from the moment someone in the relationship reaches out for help.
In a situation where there is a proactivity gap, the more proactive partner is likely the one who found me for couples therapy. This person took the time to research therapists, reach out to me, and initiate our consultation. Conversely, the less proactive partner likely gave their "okay" about my bio, filled out their share of the initial paperwork, and showed up for our first session.
During this process, the more proactive partner may have done things like:
Remind the less proactive partner to fill out their portion of the paperwork
Put 'couples therapy' in a shared calendar (that the more proactive partner created)
Added their credit card for billing, rather than a shared card
Reached out to me to ask clarifying questions or share information about goals for treatment
By this point, you probably get the idea. In relationships where there is a proactivity gap, one partner is doing much more work than the other.
Aside from reaching out for couples therapy, here are some other areas where a proactivity gap may occur in both the short-term and long-term. The more proactive partner may be the one to:
Think ahead about meal planning and grocery purchases for the week
Keep track of household finances and manage a budget
Plan and host gatherings to stay in touch with friends
Bring up conversations about unresolved conflicts
In many cases, the more proactive partner will ask the less proactive partner to take the lead on some of these tasks. But, even in having to delegate those tasks, the more proactive partner feels a sense of resentment.
They think something along the lines of "even when you're the one who's doing the task, I'm the one that had to do the work to ask you to do that task." The proactivity gap shows up in who is taking the lead on getting things done, not just in who is actually doing the task.
When there is a proactivity gap, the small, seemingly innocuous tasks the more proactive partner takes on day-by-day start to add up. This can lead the more proactive partner to:
Feel taken advantage of
Give up on things changing
Stop trusting their partner will meet their needs
Question whether or not their partner will be able to succeed at work
Over time, the more proactive partner may begin to see the less proactive partner as:
Entitled
Aloof
Incapable
Eventually, the more proactive partner may end the relationship because:
They feel as though they will be able to get more done on their own
They start to look down on their partner (this can impact other things like sexual desire)
They feel less like a partner and more like a parent
What is the antidote to a proactivity gap? Can relationships with a proactivity gap be saved? As with most questions in therapy, the answers to these questions are nuanced and dependent upon the couple's circumstances.
I'll be exploring these questions about potential antidotes to a gap in proactivity on my blog next week. Check back on Wednesday to read more.
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