Therapeutic Work Isn't Always About Addressing Problems

One of my favorite topics to teach on is the history of positive psychology.

Following World War II, the field of psychology focused mainly on healing psychological distress and addressing pathology. The VA (Veteran’s Affairs) center was founded in 1946, and NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) was founded in 1947. These two organizations focused on reducing symptoms, mainly related to PTSD in the post-war environment. Research grants during this time were largely given to those who studied pathology and symptom reduction, again because of the impact of World War II on the mental health of the global community.

The work of psychologists like Martin Seligman in the late 1900s and early 2000s repopularized concepts of psychology that focused more on increasing well-being than decreasing symptoms.

Work of this type purported that simply ‘not feeling bad’ was an insufficient goal, and that therapeutic work should involve increasing human flourishing in addition to reducing suffering. Seligman and co-researcher Csikszentmihalyi, in a 2000 APA article, note “treatment is not just fixing what is broken; it is nurturing what is best.”

This means that in therapy, treatment addresses symptoms, while also promoting resourcefulness, identifying resiliencies, amplifying strengths, and connecting with gifts.

To Have a Better Relationship... Become Comfortable with the Idea of Your Relationship Ending

Recently, I have been advising new couples in therapy to get comfortable with the idea that their relationship could end one day. This sounds very counterintuitive… why would I spend time thinking about my relationship ending, when it’s so new, and I’m so happy in it?

The reason why has to do with stakes in times of conflict.

When conflict inevitably arises in a couple’s relationship, the distance that is natural in an argument may feel HIGH stakes if the members of that couple have not visualized themselves being okay, even if the relationship ends. Conversely, when the members of the couple have familiarized themselves with the reality that the relationship may end one day, a routine disagreement may have LOW stakes, because the visual of being okay even if the relationship ends is present.

This is important because the stakes of an argument can drastically change the way partners engage with one another. If one or both partners start to feel that they may not be oaky, because the relationship may end, and they haven’t prepared for that, it’s natural to act more desperate, irrational, or scared. If both partners know they will be okay, even if the relationship ends, they will be able to approach the argument in a more level-headed manner, because they won’t be acting out of fear.

I love this idea because it’s pretty practical to implement. Here’s what you have to do:

Imagine that the worst-case scenario occurs and you aren’t able to work through a relationship-ending conflict with your partner. Visualize how you will feel (sad, lost, angry, disappointed, etc.). Sit with the emotion. Then, think about what you would do in this hypothetical scenario.

Answer the following questions… How would you move on from the relationship? Who would you call on for help? How would you handle the logistics? What steps would need to be taken? How would you find new meaning and purpose without your partner? Keep going through this fictional scenario until the heightened emotions lessen and you begin to feel that even if this happens, things will ultimately be okay.

Take note of how this changes the stakes the next time you have an argument with your partner. You can be committed to them, and hopeful that you are able to work things out, while also knowing that if things aren’t able to be worked out, you will always be okay. This will allow you to approach routine conflicts with more of a sense of peace and level-headedness.

What Should I Do if I Found Out My Partner Went Through My Phone?

Your partner went through your phone! Yikes! It’s normal to feel violated, confused, sad, and angry. For some of us, finding out this has happened may be an automatic deal breaker. For others, this may not necessarily be a deal breaker, especially if we have established trust in our partner’s intentions and are able to get curious about why they did this.

If you want to have a conversation with your partner about why this happened, here are some pointers.

1) Approach your partner with curiosity and care. It can be tempting to lead with blame and criticism - after all, your partner has violated your privacy. However, this tone is likely to put your partner on the defensive, and you won’t get the information you’re looking for about why this happened.

2) Ask questions about what led up to this and what you need to know to move forward. Some examples include: Can you tell me what has been happening for you that led up to this? What were you looking for or afraid that you might see? Which parts of my phone did you go through? Is there something I need to work on so you feel like you can trust me more?

3) Validate your partner’s experience while holding space for your own. “I hear you, I have been distant lately. I can see how that might make you concerned. But I also feel hurt that you didn’t come talk to me about this.” “I understand why you felt like you couldn’t talk to me about this. That’s something I would like us to work on. This has made me feel violated and I do not want it to happen again.”

4) Share with your partner that next time they are feeling insecure, they should have a conversation with you rather than searching on your phone for answers. I would recommend asking your partner what was getting in the way of them talking to you about this. It is important to be open to hearing that they may have been afraid of your response or may not feel capable of trusting you.

5) Tell your partner how this has impacted you. I would recommend asking your partner what was getting in the way of them talking to you about this. It is important to be open to hearing that they may have been afraid of your response or may not feel capable of trusting you.

Your partner going through your phone does not necessarily have to mean the end of the relationship -- in fact, an event like this can be a beautiful opportunity to have a conversation about how to form a deeper sense of trust.